What I Learned in Therapy

. Hey.

Welcome back to what I
learned in therapy with me.

Jamie Lang.

As a reminder, I'm a licensed
clinical professional counselor.

And I'm also a 500 hour
registered yoga teacher.

. I own a healing center called the vault.

Where in I host retreats.

Um, yoga classes, yoga meditation.

I also do sematic therapy, EMDR therapy.

Movement therapy, grief
therapy, trauma therapy.

And I also do yoga therapy because my
office is connected to my healing center.

If you'd like to visit my healing
center, go over to my website.

Um, it's a mouthful, www dot
the vault yoga community.

love.com.

I'll list the link in the show notes, as
well as the link to our Patrion account.

On the Patrion account, you can have
access to extended episodes and also

new episodes where I will introduce
different kinds of things that just,

um, Go in more depth than I would
normally do in a 30 minute podcast.

You can also have access to
working with me one-on-one or

joining some of our group therapy.

So head on over to our Patrion account.

Again, it's listed in the show
notes and get yourself situated.

Um, very soon, I'm going to be adding
meditations and other documents

referencing the things that we talk about.

So head on over there to both those
things, get yourself situated.

I'd really like to meet you.

And because we've been talking about
some pretty heavy topics we talked about.

Rumi's poem the great wagon wherein he
talks about the ideas of right and wrong.

And how the ideas of wrongness
can take over one's life and we

can be trapped in the trauma.

We also talked about Lisa and her
daughter walking through the journey of

breast cancer together and the amount
of time children need to grieve and the

different ways in which they grieve.

I thought maybe today we could talk
about something a little bit lighter.

So I thought.

I think the time has come
for me to talk about the day.

I decided to start inviting
people to my funeral.

So, yeah, we're going to talk about death.

And a lot of people
say to me, Oh, my gosh.

Buddhism is so negative.

All they talk about is death.

And maybe that's true.

Maybe they do talk about death.

Maybe Buddhism does.

Have a discourse on death.

That for some folks can feel.

Overwhelming and negative and depressing.

But I can assure you that the discourse.

Is there to set you free into your life
by living in the awareness of your death.

Today I'd like to share more about
that with you, because it's the

one thing that we can all count on.

Or I'm going to die.

A couple of years ago.

I started a deep dive
into Buddhist philosophy.

And remember I'm not a Buddhist,
I'm not a holy person, but I love

what Buddhism has to offer us.

And in that journey, I found a
document called the five remembrances.

The origination of this document
was first found in a text called

subjects for contemplation.

That's the translation.

It's a discourse pointing us.

To the five facts regarding the fragility
of life and our true inheritance.

It encourages us all to reflect on these
existential teachings, as often as we can.

In contemplating the remembrances.

We are cultivating the destruction
of attachments and harmful

actions and merging into the
freedom necessary for awakening.

The five remembrances are teachers and
they are complete from start to finish.

And that's what I love about them.

Clean, linear.

Compassionate concise and liberating.

And you cannot argue with them.

And I'm always down for a
deep philosophical debate.

But I'm pretty sure you
can't argue with these.

When folks discovered
the five remembrances.

They began to recite them.

Over and over, and this
was way back in the day.

They began to chant them in
the morning and in the evening.

As a prayer.

And what they found is their
suffering began to ease.

The five remembrances are
meant to be internalized.

They are compassionate reminders
that you are not here to be perfect.

You are here to change.

And so two.

Are all humans.

So the five remembrances
go like this number one.

I am of the nature to grow old.

There is no way to escape growing old.

Number two.

I am of the nature to have ill health.

There is no way to escape illness.

Number three.

I am of the nature to die.

I can not escape death.

Number four.

All that is dear to me.

And everyone I love are
of the nature to change.

That means they are.

All of the nature to die.

And everyone and everything
that I love, I will lose.

And everyone and everything that loves me.

We'll lose me.

And number five.

My actions are my only true belongings.

They are the ground upon which
I walk and I cannot escape the

consequences of my actions.

I am an always will be
the karmic recipient.

Of everything I do.

So there's a little bit of
light philosophy for ya.

We're all going to grow old.

We're all going to get ill.

We're all going to die.

We're all going to lose everyone
and everything that we love.

And we can never escape the consequences
of our actions, everything we do.

Or we say, or we think we'll come
back to us to teach us something.

Whether we like it or not.

And listen to five remembrance
is, are a bit tough to palate.

I get it the first time I read them.

I wasn't sure that I wanted
to really dive any deeper.

But the more that I sat with
them and began to put them

into a therapeutic context.

I actually found them to
be quite life-changing.

And so while they're
right up in your grill.

There is nuance that I've added
from a therapeutic angle that

I'd like to share with you.

So let's go through each one, but before
we begin, I invite you to open your mind.

And breathe into your life
right now to take a big inhale.

Interior rib cage all the
way down into your belly.

And then a big exhale.

The AME.

Of the five remembrances is to teach
you to breathe into your life with

as much vigor as you possibly can.

Because one day.

It's all going to be gone.

Number one.

I'm of the nature to grow old.

There is no way to escape growing old.

In our culture.

It is so common to see people who
are growing old and then turn away.

Sometimes, I think the
elderly are virtually unseen.

And so when you see someone
growing old, Turned toward them.

Do not turn away.

thank them for growing old and
showing you that there is a

way to grow old in our culture.

Because listen, the rest of the world
is trying to teach you that there

isn't a way to gracefully grow old.

Social media, the internet.

Every billboard, movie commercial.

Sometimes every song teaches you.

Who you are supposed to be.

And who you are not supposed to be.

Our world teaches us that
growing old is not sexy.

Growing old is not beautiful.

These messages explicitly and implicitly
say, stay young, stay perfect.

And do anything and everything
you can to remain young.

In essence, These demands, I think,
ask you to betray your own wellbeing.

There is no way for you
to escape growing on.

And if you hang on and crave for your
youth, you will suffer unnecessarily.

In this very human
experience of growing old.

In addition to that.

When you are frustrated with the
people who are growing old around you.

Remember that you're going to be walking
into their shoes sooner than later.

And so whether you say it to them
out loud, or you say it to yourself,

Turn toward those who are growing
older and say, thank you for showing

me that there is a way to grow old.

Because the world doesn't
do a very good job.

Of showing me how to do this gracefully.

Number two.

I am of the nature to have ill health.

There is no way to escape ill health.

Oftentimes, when we see illness
in our culture, we turn away.

Or we get angry and we want to fight back.

And I suggest that when we see
illness in the world, We turn

toward it and say, thank you for
showing me that I want to be well.

Thank you for showing me that
I can choose more wellness.

And more deeply, thank you
for showing me that there is

a way to be ill in this world.

This.

Includes all different kinds of illnesses.

The empirical illnesses of high blood
pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease.

We most certainly will suffer far more
than is necessary for human existence.

If we continue to turn
away from these things.

Mental illness like depression,
anxiety, and trauma.

Not only will we suffer
far more than necessary.

We will enhance the physical
illnesses waiting for us.

If we continue to ignore
these things in us.

And in our communities.

When you see mental illness in
the world, our job as a collective

community is to turn toward those
suffering from mental illness.

And listen.

Those that are ill.

Are our teachers.

To teach us.

There is a way to be well.

And what about systemic illness?

A term coined by Norwegian
sociologist Johan Galton in

1969, said structural violence.

Is a systemic way in which groups
are prevented from accessing

opportunities, goods, and services that
are necessary for basic human needs.

Examples of structural
violence include institutional

racism, sexism, and classism.

It can also include family violence,
gender violence, hate crimes,

racial violence, police violence,
state violence, terrorism, and war.

If we continue to turn away from systemic
and structural illness, the catastrophic

amounts of unnecessary suffering will
continue to make us all more ill.

Because the more one person suffers.

The more, we all suffer.

And unheard illness.

Is the surest way to destroy the world.

Just look around you.

All of these things are illnesses.

Number three.

Number three.

I am of the nature to die.

There is no way to escape death.

When someone, you know, who is dying.

Do not turn away.

Turn toward death and thank them.

Thank them for showing you the way.

As a culture, we rarely speak about
our deaths in a serious manner.

And this can cause much
suffering for the dying.

Because the living are
not prepared to let go.

And this can cause so much
suffering to the living.

Because they don't know
how to say goodbye.

Good luck.

Thank you for being here.

To the dying.

I also find this one very helpful.

When I'm digging my heels in.

For instance, I recently got
into an argument with my husband.

And about halfway through.

I'm digging my heels
in clenching my fists.

Certain that I am right.

And then I remember he
was going to die one day.

There's going to be a
day when he's not here.

And I don't want this
fight to be the thing.

That gets in the way.

Of him looking back on his life
and saying, I loved it all.

And I don't want this fight to be the
one thing that keeps me up at night.

Shaming myself.

If I enter into my arguments with
my husband, with the knowledge

that one day he's going to die.

My approach is vastly different.

Than if I do not.

Number four.

All that is dear to me and everyone
that I love is of the nature to change.

Grow.

And die.

Therefore, there is no way to
escape being separated from them.

Everyone that I love and
everyone that I hold dear.

I will lose.

This one reminds me that when I'm
digging my heels into the ground

to win an argument, just like I
did this morning with my husband.

Or when I'm stuck in my wounds and
cannot seem to release my anger.

Toward my abuser, who
is no longer in my life.

I remember.

One day the privilege of
saying, sorry, tomorrow.

Well, not always be here.

Whether I'm going to say,
sorry to someone I've hurt.

Or someone who has hurt me
is going to say, sorry to me.

There will be a day when the privilege
of saying, sorry, will not be there.

The truth is.

There is no winning.

There is no winning when we are
headed to the same finish line.

And that's not a race.

I am willing to win.

Number five.

My actions are my only true belongings.

I cannot escape the
consequences of my actions.

My actions are the ground
upon which I stand.

What we give through our bodies,
through our speech, through our

thoughts will come back to us no
matter how little or how large.

It is karma and it can come to us
in some of the most beautiful ways.

If we're acting out of the awareness
of the first four remembrances.

And if we are not working for them,
wisdom, they're in, we will meet our

teacher no matter what, it may be
a person, it may be an experience.

It may be a loss, but I assure you,
we will all learn the lessons we need.

To end our suffering.

The five remembrances,
teach us to sit back.

And fucking relax a little bit.

Everyone and everything
is going to change.

So all we have to do is wait.

The anger you feel will change.

The joy you feel will change.

The success you enjoy will change.

Excessive suffering comes
when we hang on to any of it.

And imagine if we lived in the
awareness that everything is going

to change, perhaps we would not.

I need to worry so much.

Buddhism is saying that if we acted
from that awareness every day, the

world would be a different place.

Your neighborhood would be different.

Your grocery store, it would be different.

Your schools, your
churches, your communities.

We would all engage with each
other in a very different way.

That's why folks who discovered the
five remembrances started chanting them

in the morning and then the evening.

They wanted to live with the awareness
that everything is transient.

And to cherish the present moment.

By doing so they aimed to live in a way.

That when looking back on
their lives, they could say.

I'll always love you.

And I think that's pretty fucking cool.

So, like I said, I dove into the five
remembrances about two years ago.

And on the day that I discovered them.

I went on a bike ride.

And I could feel the wind in my
hair, the freedom, a bike ride.

It gives you reminding me of my
youth, but also feeling my age.

And there's a little bar.

Near where I live just
a neighborhood place.

And my husband and I often go there.

On our weekly date night, Friday night.

And sometimes I go there alone,
maybe midweek and I bring a book or

a journal just to have some time.

To decompress from my job.

Or a little more time of
her going home to my family.

And that day I sat outside with my
journal and at the top of the fresh

clean page, I wrote my funeral list.

I was thinking, I want everyone
I know to come to my funeral.

If I die before them.

I want to remind them.

That they have made a
huge impact on my life.

Whether that was good.

And whether that was bad, I want
to invite all the people I love.

And I want to invite all the
people that are hard to love.

I think it's important.

To tell people now,

But I love them so much.

That they have touched my life so much.

And I want them to be there when I'm gone.

I want them to be there to celebrate me.

And I also think it's important
that I tell the people that

have been hard to love.

Or the people that have
been harmful to me.

That I want them there at my funeral.

So that they can remember that
they're going to die one day

and to let some of that shit go.

Because, like I said, we're all
heading to the same finish line.

And if I win that race,
I want everyone there.

To remember.

That one day they're going to die.

So fucking relax just a bit.

And be in your life.

And so I was sitting there.

Looking at my empty list.

And.

One of the bartenders, his name is Andrew.

And he has become.

A good friend to me and to
my husband over the years.

He came over.

And he said, what are you doing?

And I said, I'm just journaling.

And thinking about death.

And he was like, okay.

Funds Saturday topic.

I said, yeah.

Actually.

It is.

And I told him about
the five remembrances.

And he said, wow, that's really heavy.

And I said, no, it's really light.

If we live in the presence of our death.

We live in the presence of our light.

Because death.

Gives light.

And then I said, Hey, Andrew.

If I die before you.

Will you come to my funeral?

He looked at me strangely.

And I said, You have had
such an impact on my life.

I come here at the end of my week.

And you smile at me.

And you welcome me.

And if I die before you,
I want you to be there.

To celebrate this moment right now
that I told you that I love you.

And thank you for being in my life.

I want you to be there when I'm gone.

So you can tell the stories of
what it was like when I was alive.

I want you to do that so that you
tell the people that you love.

That you want them there at your
funeral so they can celebrate your life.

And remember that they
too are going to die.

And he said.

Hell, ya'll come to your funeral.

So I turned my journal toward him.

And he wrote number one.

And then put his name.

He signed it.

And day-to-day.

And that began the future guest book.

For my funeral.

And what's really wild.

As a few months ago after I had
done a retreat at the vault talking

about the five remembrances.

I cruised over to this place.

I was just sitting in the
sun, basking in the amazing.

Wisdom of the women.

At my retreats.

And Andrew came out and they said,
Hey buddy, what are you doing?

And he said, can I talk to you?

Sure.

I said.

He said.

I had a routine colonoscopy.

And they found cancer.

And I was wondering.

That if I die before you.

Well, you come to my funeral.

Because you reminded me that day.

That I am alive.

That day, you asked me
to come to your funeral.

You reminded me.

To be in my life and to breathe it all in.

Because there's going to be a
day, maybe sooner than I thought.

That I won't be here.

And so will you come to my
funeral and celebrate this day?

Where an I told you.

That I love you.

And you've made such an impact on my life.

Please.

Please come celebrate me.

And I said,

hell.

Yeah, I'll be there.

And I'm going to be with you.

Every step of the way.

And I promise I will not turn away.

If you get more ill.

And I will not turn away.

If you get closer to death.

And it will not turn away.

If, and when you die.

I love you.

I celebrate you every day.

Thank you for inviting me.

And so what I learned in therapy.

Is that if I don't turn toward my
illnesses, if I don't turn toward my age.

If I don't turn toward my death.

I'm going to take most
of this for granted.

And what a complete and utter loss.

I don't want to do that.

I want to look at illness
and jump into wellness.

I want to look at my face aging and
drop to my knees in gratitude that

I had an opportunity to be here.

And meet my parents.

My husband.

My best friend.

No, no, my God, my son.

I learned that I still carry
a few traumatic wounds.

Deeply in my body.

That I armor with residual resentment.

I thought I had let go.

The truth.

However hard to palate.

As I still hang on to anger.

Towards those who have hurt me.

And actually one of those humans
is in my immediate family.

The five remembrances, remind
me that I have the power to

release the particulars of life.

The comments, the behaviors.

The eye rolls.

Even the abandonment.

And zoom out into the universals of life.

No one is 100% good.

And no one is 100% bad.

Love is available.

And we're all going to die.

So let's fucking go.

The particulars of life.

Will imprison us.

If we never surrender.

And the universals will teach us exactly.

Who the fuck we are.

Humans here to live.

So we can die.

I have the honor of
continuing to meet my pain.

Because it is an honor.

Because if I don't meet it,
It will hurt me even more.

And I have the honor of
looking at my wounds.

And zooming out.

So that at the end of my life,
I will walk into my death.

With such liberation that I
will smile saying goodbye.

And cry only because I'm going to miss
the joy I cultivated by knowing death.

Is my final finish line.

Over time.

I'm going to invite everyone that I love.

And everyone I've struggled
to love to my funeral.

Uh, final gesture.

Thanking them for being
my greatest teachers.

I invite you to go home tonight
and notice the people around you.

Notice the life around you.

Until everything.

And everyone that you love them
because the privilege of telling

them tomorrow may never come.

I will close with one of my favorite
quotes, reportedly from the Buddha.

But of course I cannot be sure.

But I don't think it really matters.

That's a particular.

That doesn't really matter.

Because it's the wisdom.

That we need.

It goes like this.

In the end.

Only three things matter.

How gently you lived.

How fiercely you loved.

And how gracefully.

He let go of the things.

Not meant for you.

So get out there into your life.

With gentle footsteps.

And fierce, unconditional
acceptance that love.

Is your biggest privilege to lose?

And release some of the wounds that
are not meant for you to carry anymore.

Just give it a go.

Thank you for listening.

No go spray, paint the
world with your love.